*sighs* SO!

A lot has happened this the last update. Met a few friends. Rekindled with old ones. Lost some of the new ones, but who needs them? n00bs. Just hanging out with some friens almost everyday so.. I'm happy to say the least.

My relationship.. Wow. I love the boy to death. I really do. He just doesn't seem to get how to make me happy though. Stopped having sex for a long ass time cause of issues with trust. I cheated and he didn't trust me. I didn't want to have sex with him until he did. So yeah. o_O; We had sex and it was AWWESOME! Loved it.

Then yesterday.. Found a shitload of porn on his computer. And in this nasty folder laid our stuff as well. What message that gave me was, "I'm just a piece of trash, like all these sluts, to him in his mind." Wow. I feel so fucked up right now that I don't know what to think about it anymore. I picture him and I having sex and it just turns into those nasty ass porn videos I looked 5 seconds into and I just feel disgusted.

It makes me feel so wonderful to know that he doesn't love me anymore. Enough to go back on his promise he made to me before we even started dating. That is what set him apart from all the other guys.. That he wouldn't look at it. He promised before we even dated. Now he is just like every other guy I've dated. Some asshole who doesn't give a shit about me. Well at least he isn't saying otherwise. He isn't going to even try to save himself or this relationship.. It's so awesome. No explanation on his part. Just immediately start sleeping on the couch. Which is good because right now, I don't want to even TOUCH him.. *sighs*

So I sort of plotted that I may stay with Daddy for 2 weeks.. Because.. I just need to get away from Ronald right now. Maybe he will realize how bad(or maybe good in his mind) it is that I would be gone. But somehow, I just don't think he would care. He would love it if I left. Because then it would be quiet and peaceful and he could watch his fucking porn all day long. But then I'm afraid that if I stay away for 2 weeks, I'd be scared to come back. That I would be too comfortable being alone and not near him that it would be nerve wrecking coming back home. Just like it was sort of nerve wrecking having sex after not having sex for 3 months. Dilemma.

And Rosemary would probably HATE being alone in the house with him.. Since she doesn't really like him that much. But then again, they would just stay away from each other sitting on their computers in their seperate rooms. Not really talk.. Probably have KJ and Nathanael over to keep her company.. ~_~ *sighs*

All of this.. Just because of fucking porn. Talk about being a drama queen. But did I ever tell you.. How much I think Porn is degrading and disgusting and filthy and just plain sick? Yeah. I know. It's JUST PORN right? Not to me. Sorry. My opinion. And when I am told that he agrees with how I think and that he would stop watching it and goes on TO watch it, saving it on his computer 3 fucking times... Wow. Fucking pisses me off and stabs me in the heart over and over.

It only means his feeling for me is faded and now practically gone because he wants to think what he thinks that I think about him is absolutely correct. Because somehow he magically thinks for me and doesn't fucking talk to me about JACK SHIT and fucking assumes how I feel. "all you women are the same." So I'm a piece of trash just like your fucking slutty porn girls right? Fuck you.. Just fuck you. I'm out. # posted by | 11:03 PM |