Wow... what a long fucking weekend.. o_O;

First off.. On Saturday, Ronald and I made up. Then Sunday he said we were just friends, and I was like.. I thought we started over.. *points to post below* And he said no, just friends. And I was like.. x.X Yesterday, we had an argument about one of my co-workers, Gabe. I said I was going to go to Michelle's and get drunk and get into an accident and stuff. And he said stop that. And I said Oh yeah Gabe is going to be there because I wanted him to know who was going to be there and stuffs. And he flips out saying "Go ahead fuck him! Go ahead! I don't care! Get drunk and fuck him! I bet he has a big cock for you too! Go pleasure yourself you deserve it!" And I was like... I don't cheat on people... That I want to be with and that I love and he said bullshit. So I went to work. I called him and we started talking and he said," we're not even friends anymore Sabrina, stop trying.." And I was like.. I want to be with you and I am trying to start over. If we aren't friends why are we talking?" He said to forget about him and I had to get back to work.. Well.. during dinner.. a shock happened that no one expected. Ms Mckee died. I was like holy shit... and felt really bad. I will explain that in a moment. I called Ronald really upset and he was like "Whats wrong Sabrina? Tell me please what's wrong?" very concerned and I said just come online tonight... please... just please come on.. But I called him around 830 soo yeah. o.o;

Now... I was upset because.. well.. on Sunday, I wasn't so nice to Ms Mckee. I was upset at things that were happening in my life and I was like in a "if you say or do anything to me today, I will hurt you" mood. So.. Ms Mckee being annoying as she was, got on my last nerve, Nova and I threw her in bed at 700. Everytime she wanted to get up to use the bathroom, I put a bedpan under her instead. I wasn't in the mood to pick her ass up and put her on the commode. She complained and I just said, "GO!" and she had already wet her brief and whatnot. So I changed her twice. She got on my nerves..I had really wished she would die. I mean I meant it out of anger and yeah..

Well.. today during dinner, she just up and died. I was in a different room feeding people and I go out in the hall to see if Michelle was coming back to feed grandma and she goes "Ms Mckee is *slides hand over throat horizontally* I was like WHAT!? *drags Michelle to her room and looks at Ms Mckee's face that is blue with her eyes open* I was like...omfg.... I felt horrible...

I feel like I shouldn't be in this profession if I am going to be the way I was on Sunday to people.. I felt really bad for Ms Mckee.. Because A lot of people didn't like her. Even her own daughter would act like that to her. But... more often. I felt like shit because I know she died feeling like no one cared. It is my job to make them feel comfortable and like someone is there. That IS my job.. and I didn't do it.. No one did. Because everyone would get annoyed with her but still.. Phil helped her today during bingo.. and she won bingo a few times today. *sighs* I feel like I shouldn't be a nurse because of this. I feel like I don't have what it really takes to really CARE about people.. if I did.. I wouldn't think that Ms Mckee died feeling that everyone hated her.. *sighs*..

I called Ronald and told him and cried. He said I am a special person and I need to become a nurse because I do have what it takes. It is something I have always wanted to do and I shouldn't give up just because I had one bad day and the person died. Everyone makes mistakes and I am a great person to be a nurse. I went on to say that if I had what it takes to make people feel good I wouldn't feel like I didn't help her and he said you made her as comfortable as you could. You did your job and that was all that mattered. I went on to say no one should die feeling like everyone hates them.. no matter who they are. He said not to worry about it. I went on to say that if I made everyone feel the best they could that I would be able to take care of things in my own life. As a nurse I should have no problem making people happy around me. See.. the qualities I have as a nurse are from my personality. You have to be happy, caring, empathetic, and someone who wants to help. I care about people, no matter who they are. Be it a little or with all of my heart. I can make anyone comfortable. My personality goes with my work. But I can't even make the one I love happy. I feel like I am failing at the only thing I could do. And when this happened tonight, I felt like everything was falling apart. I can't make myself, my boyfriend, or the people I take care of at work comfortable and happy. He said I shouldn't worry about him. But I do. Physically and emotionally. I got scared when he got sick when he was here last time.. and I took care of him. I stroked his hair gave him some juice and let him fall asleep while cuddling with him. He said he felt better after 5 hours of sleeping. I was so nervous he was going to get sick sick.. I would have stayed home if he got sick for a few days. But knowing I can't emotionally make him happy makes me fail. And I thought about that while I cried to him on the phone..

I am so happy that I have him as someone in my life. He listens... he makes me feel better. He does everything... and I can't do it for him.. I feel like he deserves a better friend. But I will try to be better for him. I listen to him and I feel what he feels.. I just don't know what to say like he does. He always makes me feel better. I wish I was a better person because of him. He makes me feel so much better when I am down like this... because he knows what to say. I really want to become a better person.. just for him. I want to change so badly. I have wanted to change in the beginning. Wanting to change my past and everything to be better for him.. but I can't do that because it already happened. I wanted to change so much.. and in some ways I have.. But I want to change more. And when I told him thank you for listening he said that is what friends were for. And I cried saying he said we weren't friends from what he said 2 hours ago and he said, I am trying..

Leo (one of the residents) says I made a good choice in giving him another chance. Tonight Donna said," Sabrina? Where is your head and your heart?" Cause I was spacing and upset and everything and I was looking at the snacks for tonight and asked where they were. lol And I looked at her and she said "They are in New York aren't they? I know how you feel. I have felt that way before. I am glad you guys are trying to work it out. You deserve to be happy and so does he. I want you to make it work cause I want to see you happy. I can tell you are really in love." And I looked down and was like.. " I wish I could make Ronald as happy as he makes me..."

Well.. tonight we went to Michelle's. Gabe was there and so was Tony. We talked about sex, typical at Michelle's lol, and yeah. When Michelle and Tony left, Gabe and I talked about our relationships. Well.. To be honest.. Gabe is a slut! lol He had fuck buddies.. o.O; Literally.. like.. he would call girl friends he had and ask if they would hang out get wasted fuck around a lil.. I was like.. omg.. o_o; Gabe you're slut. lol He goes It's all natural lol and I'm like.. I'm not that way... lol He has tried 125 sex positions.. in one night. ~_~ and that is disturbing.. but yeah. ANYWAYS! We talked about our relationships and he has been with his girl for 6 months now and he really has feelings for her. He hasn't had feelings for any girl but her. She is always like jealous of people calling him and him going places and his friends saying hey in the mall in stuff. I was like that sounds like me a lil bit with Ronald. lol And he goes it was hard telling his gf his past because of what he has done.. and yeah.. he wanted to be honest with her cause he really does love her. So I told him I did the same with my bf and he goes Girl you ain't done nothing compared to me! And I was like duh.. lol He said if he really loves you he will look past that. Love you for who you are and just think of now. The past is gone and it may be somewhat bad but he will get over it. I was like.. v.v and I told Gabe what Ronald said yesterday before work and he was like O_O!!!!! I dun want some Spanish NY guy coming after me! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! WHAT DID I DO!? Lol I was like I dunno lol. And he goes.. o_o; Please.. I didn't do anything and I was like well... Ronald is as tall as you... and skinnier. lol And he goes o_o; Still.. I'm just some Mexican.. leave me out of this! lol It was funny. But me and Gabe just talked about that and yeah. It was the first time we actually talked out of work. More than Hi how are you? Fine You? Good. So yeah. lol Then we all watched FY when Michelle got back and yeah left at 3. And NO RONALD I only had 1 beer so I wasn't drunk. lol No cheating either. I also made Michelle listen to LP. She doesn't "prefer" them. lol I was like How can you like 50cent and NOT like LP.. ~_~ So yeah. Tortured Michelle. :) Oh well..

Maybe I will talk with Ronald today. I hope so. Goodnite guys ^^ *pets* bye!!
# posted by | 4:34 AM |